Sharing your story is one of the hardest parts. But I'm willing to share mine
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Paranoia
Paranoia, my biggest problem. I always, and I mean ALWAYS have this fear that everyone I know only pretends to like me, that in reality everyone only tolerates me or really don't like me at all and just pretend to so they don't hurt my fragile feelings. I hate this feeling like I'm totally worthless and that everyone walks on glass around me. My Dad says that... that everyone walks on glass around me...Do they really? Am I really nothing to anyone? It hurts...even if it's not true the IDEA hurts. And for some reason I can't stop thinking this. I lay there and reconsider every decision I made that day. "Did I make them uncomfortable?" "Did I over step my boundaries?" "Maybe they didn't even want to hang out with me today" "Maybe I'm a burden on them". I've told a few people of these fears. They go on to tell me it's not true, that I'm fine that I'm not the selfish annoying bitch I perceive myself as, but I pick up on things. Reluctance, annoyance. Maybe I am just imagining it, maybe it's not really there. But I perceive it as real. I always think things that may not actually be true. It's like my mind is torturing me. Trying to convince me that I don't deserve love, or friends, or anything. Ug...I want it to all go away. I want the noise in my head to just go away already so it will stop hurting. Somebody save me?
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