Noise

To much. It's all to much. To many things going through my head, and most of them time, none of them are good.  And no matter how hard I try to fight it, I just can't. It comes back, like instinct. And I'm terrified that I'm never going to be able to let go of things. That I'm going to continue to smother people until I die....Death. That's an interesting topic for me. I wouldn't feel regret, or shame, or anything. Because I would be dead. I don't believe in life after death. for me death is an end to everything. And yet I'm still scared to end it. Because I still want to be loved again, still want a life. But it hurts, everything hurts all the time and I don't know how to stop it. Make it go away. Sometimes I break down so much that I feel like I can never put myself back together again. But I somehow manage to, or at least I convince myself that I have until I break down again. I wear a "mask" I pretend that everything is OK and mentally convince myself that it is when it's really not. So I go around smiling and laughing while on the inside? my brain is assaulting me with failures and paranoia. I was told yesterday, that I am a feeler. And he was right I am. I tap into the emotions of people around me, and begin to feel what they feel. It's a "blessing" and a curse. (I put blessing in " " because I'm not a religious person) It frustrates me when I don't know how someone feels, which brings on the paranoia, but it's also terrible knowing. Because you become overloaded with this onslaught of feelings. And there is no on or off switch. It's always there. And it's hard to filter or ignore. I wish I wasn't so ruled by my emotions. If I could learn to control them, and their abnormal power. Then maybe I could use them for good, but I can't yet. And right now its just to much. to much noise. To much feeling.