Define Good..

I'm not a perfect person. Never have claimed to be. But when you see the effect you can have on a person, the negative effect of course, it really opens your eyes to who you have become. Today I found out that three years ago, I said I hated someone. This same someone approached me and said that she has waited three years to get her revenge on me. And while the fact that she is a plotting revenge means she isn't exactly the best person herself, I still realize that I had a hand, maybe a huge hand, in making her into the person she is now. hateful and self centered. It makes me sick to my stomach that I didn't even REMEMBER telling her I hate her. Hate is a Powerful emotion. As is love. Both words are tossed around like nothing now a days and now I have started doing it. I know I was never the nicest person on the planet. I was selfish, and mean. But I was only that way because it was a defense system. I was bullied so much that I became that way, my defensive nature turned offensive to avoid getting hurt by these people. It's affected me in many ways. Such as my love life. Not only do I smother the people I like, but I contradict myself. I Want to be loved so I flirt a lot, but I also have commitment issues. Major ones. To the point that I find one flaw in a person and fixate on it so that I have an excuse to leave someone. There are only a few people that I have been able to avoid this feeling with. One of them is current....yet again I've never actually been with this person but still, with him it just feels so....real. But with others a part of me knows that I really don't feel the way I claim, and so guilt drives me to those points of fixation. But here I go again, making excuses. It's my fault, I screwed up in my past, I'm still screwing up now. But I hope beyond all hope that there is truth to the statement that recognizing a problem is the first step to solving it. Because I don't want to be that bitchy slutty person anymore. Some people say that it's easy to change, just don't flirt, don't be mean. But it's an instinct now...and its terrible. A terrible habit that I NEED to get rid of. If I ever want a chance to be somewhat normal, or to have a healthy and loving relationship. I Have to change. To finally say, that I AM a good person.