Afraid of the Dark

Night is the worst time of day. Especially when you have insomnia, because all you can do, is think. I am a person who tends to OVER think. Every mistake, every flaw, comes creeping into my brain, my dreams. Sometimes I can't remember the littlest things, what was my homework today? when did mom say to meet her? But the mistakes? Even the little pointless embarrassment, they ALL stick. Fester. Until everything inside my head is bad, and it breaks down at my strength. Until all I can do is sit, alone, and cry. its moments like this, or moments of raw anger, when the self harm starts. I don't cut, not usually. But I dig my nails so deep into my skin that it bruises or bleeds a little. And it helps. It calms me, focuses me, lets me relax enough to sleep or stop from screaming. There is this pressure, inside my head, and it builds and builds until the only thing that can release it, is the pain. And I cry. Cry a lot. It just hurts so much, and ALL I want is for it to go away. I have no Good reason for being so sad, and yet, here I am, curled into a ball, crying. I feel so weak, and scared. Scared that maybe it will always be this way, that I will never be strong enough to fight it. I know that I have to make myself happy, I can't keep expecting that some magical person is gonna come around and make it all better. I have to carve the path myself. But I find myself lacking the tools I need to carve said path. I need strength, courage, hope. These tools are lost to me. I feel like my world is crashing down on me sometimes...like nothing I ever do will be good enough to get out of this. It hurts to much to think of all the people I have pushed away because of the walls I've put up, the defense system I've created. I've been hurt to many times, and once someone gets close, I push them away as hard as I can because I'm so afraid they will hate me if I don't, or that they will use what I tell them against me. I have learned to guard my trust as if it was a precious child that needs my protecting. But sometimes I just feel so lost and alone, that I NEED someone to be there. I turn to those who have supported me, but even though they say things of comfort, a small part of me still believes that they secretly loath me, and wish I would stop coming to them. No matter how stupid that may seem, its the way I think. And I hate it, I Hate that about myself. The way I obsess about flaws or mistake in myself and others. I drive myself to the point of insanity by making myself think that nobody cares about me and they are all just pretending. Paranoia. It's a living hell. I WISH I could altar my thoughts, make it so I don't care what others think...But it's almost impossible. Humans have a basic need for approval, for purpose. I am just one of the examples of the truth to that statement. I hope beyond all hope, that one day, I can escape this path and forge a new one. That I can be a better person, and love myself. That I can stop over-thinking everything that happens. That I can be me, and be ok with that.