Introduction-The Basics

It always starts with something random, like maybe I left the light on at my mom's house, or today I had a really embarrassing moment. (I hate those, the one's where you are so embarrassed you want to cry but you know if you do it will only make it worse...sigh.) And then of course, the thought patterns that not even I can track accurately, begin. And the reinforcement of my childhood, seeps back into my head. How could I be so stupid to think, hey you know maybe I'm not a ugly worthless bitch. Because I am right? That's wast everyone tells me anyway...Maybe I should start from the beginning, so you understand me better. Hi, My name is Annabelle. I've moved, 12 times in my 15 years of living. And at EVERY school I have EVER been to, I get bullied. BAD. When I was in elementary school, there was the "popular" crowd. And I, as the dorky poor atheist, was the outsider. I guess poor is the wrong word. More like middle class, but I still wore the target brand jeans and princess tee-shirt because that's what we could afford, and that's what my parents wanted me wearing. And along come these bible thumping girls in designer jeans wanting to make my life miserable. I had what I thought were two friends. A girl named Grace and a girl named Taylor. They were the only people I thought accepted me. So I confided in them, I told them my secrets, my desires, my stupid childhood nonsense. But I was wrong. Taylor was NOT my friend, I was a tool for her, a tool to get into the popular crowd. She sold my secrets for her own status and the bulling got worse, with her at lead. It got so bad that she tried to seriously hurt me and my dad had to call the cops to warn her. This only fueled the fire. I was relieved but also sad when my parents announced our move to California. I didn't want to leave Grace, the one true friend I had, behind. And despite the bullies, Colorado was my home. But I went along, because well I had too. California posed a whole new problem for me. Boys. I had been interested and attracted to guys at my school in Colorado, but I never had a real relationship. Our first home in California lead to Mesa Verde Middle School, where I fell in Love for the first time. Now you are probably thinking "there is no way she actually fell in love that young" Well I did. And I know this because to this day seeing him makes my heart race and my nerves shoot through the roof. Of course, there were a few trial and error relationships before Colin, but Colin was the one the whole time at that school. Unfortunately, my parents decided they wanted to move again, in the middle of sixth grade year i transferred to Rincon Middle School. I was devastated, I was leaving behind a group of friends I had made, plus Colin. It wasn't fair. But I settled into Rincon ok. Until Caitlyn. Caitlyn and I were "best friends" I never left her side, and we all knew she was the queen bee. But in seventh grade she turned on me. Called me to the counselors office to officially end our friendship. And from then on she tortured me. Made me cry publicly. Made me hate myself. At this stage in my life I became defensive. I fought back, got mean. Toughed up. I was still teased, but I started to become a bully. I would tease those unfortunate enough to have a lower social status to mine. I became selfish and cruel. And my friends all started to walk away from me one by one. I also started dating a lot. I wanted people to want me, no matter who it was. But most of the time it was jerks. Which only proved to further lower my already extremely low self esteem. I met Rosie that year too, we became close friends, Rosie was a really sweet girl. And I loved hanging out with her. She defended me, and didn't care what other people thought. But in my eight  grade year she went off to high school, and the gap caused our relationship to grow distant. I still miss her. Freshman year was the best year for me socially. I had friends, real friends, a whole group of them. And I was for the most part, happy. I still dated a lot, but so did a lot of girls. It was at Escondido High school that I met Keey and Savanna. Keey always stood up for me, no matter what people said, no matter how true it was, he was there. He saved my life on several occasions. Savanna and I though didn't really connect until sophomore year. Sophomore year was by far the worst year of my life. I made a mistake on the last couple days of freshman year, a BIG mistake. I tried alcohol, got slightly tipsy and told someone I thought was a friend, who then proceeded to tell my teacher. My parents decided that was the last straw for me and took me out of public school. I was isolated, forced to take classes at home online, I had but one friend in which I kept contact. Savanna. I am not going to lie, if I had not had Savanna there for me, I would NOT be alive right now. She was there for me, comforted me, and at the same time called me on my shit. She isn't perfect, but she is what I needed. She is more than a friend to me, she is a sister. And I hope that I have helped her too, or that I can help her if she wants it. That year, I all but went insane. (and I will give the details of that in a later blog) and I'm still suffering from the affects. But hey, now you know the basics of my life. Doesn't seem that bad? Wait for what I have to say next.