Define Good..

I'm not a perfect person. Never have claimed to be. But when you see the effect you can have on a person, the negative effect of course, it really opens your eyes to who you have become. Today I found out that three years ago, I said I hated someone. This same someone approached me and said that she has waited three years to get her revenge on me. And while the fact that she is a plotting revenge means she isn't exactly the best person herself, I still realize that I had a hand, maybe a huge hand, in making her into the person she is now. hateful and self centered. It makes me sick to my stomach that I didn't even REMEMBER telling her I hate her. Hate is a Powerful emotion. As is love. Both words are tossed around like nothing now a days and now I have started doing it. I know I was never the nicest person on the planet. I was selfish, and mean. But I was only that way because it was a defense system. I was bullied so much that I became that way, my defensive nature turned offensive to avoid getting hurt by these people. It's affected me in many ways. Such as my love life. Not only do I smother the people I like, but I contradict myself. I Want to be loved so I flirt a lot, but I also have commitment issues. Major ones. To the point that I find one flaw in a person and fixate on it so that I have an excuse to leave someone. There are only a few people that I have been able to avoid this feeling with. One of them is current....yet again I've never actually been with this person but still, with him it just feels so....real. But with others a part of me knows that I really don't feel the way I claim, and so guilt drives me to those points of fixation. But here I go again, making excuses. It's my fault, I screwed up in my past, I'm still screwing up now. But I hope beyond all hope that there is truth to the statement that recognizing a problem is the first step to solving it. Because I don't want to be that bitchy slutty person anymore. Some people say that it's easy to change, just don't flirt, don't be mean. But it's an instinct now...and its terrible. A terrible habit that I NEED to get rid of. If I ever want a chance to be somewhat normal, or to have a healthy and loving relationship. I Have to change. To finally say, that I AM a good person.

Noise

To much. It's all to much. To many things going through my head, and most of them time, none of them are good.  And no matter how hard I try to fight it, I just can't. It comes back, like instinct. And I'm terrified that I'm never going to be able to let go of things. That I'm going to continue to smother people until I die....Death. That's an interesting topic for me. I wouldn't feel regret, or shame, or anything. Because I would be dead. I don't believe in life after death. for me death is an end to everything. And yet I'm still scared to end it. Because I still want to be loved again, still want a life. But it hurts, everything hurts all the time and I don't know how to stop it. Make it go away. Sometimes I break down so much that I feel like I can never put myself back together again. But I somehow manage to, or at least I convince myself that I have until I break down again. I wear a "mask" I pretend that everything is OK and mentally convince myself that it is when it's really not. So I go around smiling and laughing while on the inside? my brain is assaulting me with failures and paranoia. I was told yesterday, that I am a feeler. And he was right I am. I tap into the emotions of people around me, and begin to feel what they feel. It's a "blessing" and a curse. (I put blessing in " " because I'm not a religious person) It frustrates me when I don't know how someone feels, which brings on the paranoia, but it's also terrible knowing. Because you become overloaded with this onslaught of feelings. And there is no on or off switch. It's always there. And it's hard to filter or ignore. I wish I wasn't so ruled by my emotions. If I could learn to control them, and their abnormal power. Then maybe I could use them for good, but I can't yet. And right now its just to much. to much noise. To much feeling.

Broken Home

Divorce. A big scary word. Something so common that you know the term and its definition, but something you believe could never happen to your family. "They are happy" you say to yourself "They only fight every once and a while" But so much goes on behind the surface of what you see. So many bad things happening behind the scenes. And you don't see it because the go on, day after day, plastering fake smiles on their faces and pretending everything is OK, just so you won't see. So you won't figure it out. But then the bad slips through the cracks, and they say "everything will be OK" and "we will work it out" But now you are terrified. The one thing that you thought could NEVER happen is now very much happening. And they believe they can work things out, or at least they pretend to. Because they want you to be happy, they don;t want you to grow up in a broken home. But their resolve cracks, and shatters. Falling at your feet, and finally you see the truth. As the bad leaks from every corner, pressing down on you, hurting you. And you try and fight it, try to smile so they don't see how hard this is for you, how badly they hurt you. But it's still there. And finally your own resolve breaks and you sob alone in your room. 'How could it possibly get worse than this?' You think. And that's when the dating starts. And that throws a whole new wrench in my world. watching my mother flir, saying she loves another man. And all I can think is "No! No! No! You are supposed to love Daddy!!" And I break slowly. reverting to a childlike mindset as I tremble and sob into my mothers lap. And she says the same things "It will be alright" But will it? The one stable thing I had in my life is now gone. I have no solid support to lean on. Nothing is the same. Even eating dinner is hard because my mom's spot is empty. Through all this pain and confusion, there is one single though running through my head the most. I WANT MY FAMILY BACK!!! Can you relate?

Paranoia

Paranoia, my biggest problem. I always, and I mean ALWAYS have this fear that everyone I know only pretends to like me, that in reality everyone only tolerates me or really don't like me at all and just pretend to so they don't hurt my fragile feelings. I hate this feeling like I'm totally worthless and that everyone walks on glass around me. My Dad says that... that everyone walks on glass around me...Do they really? Am I really nothing to anyone? It  hurts...even if it's not true the IDEA hurts. And for some reason I can't stop thinking this. I lay there and reconsider every decision I made that day. "Did I make them uncomfortable?" "Did I over step my boundaries?" "Maybe they didn't even want to hang out with me today" "Maybe I'm a burden on them". I've told a few people of these fears. They go on to tell me it's not true, that I'm fine that I'm not the selfish annoying bitch I perceive myself as, but I pick up on things. Reluctance, annoyance. Maybe I am just imagining it, maybe it's not really there. But I perceive it as real. I always think things that may not actually be true. It's like my mind is torturing me. Trying to convince me that I don't deserve love, or friends, or anything. Ug...I want it to all go away. I want the noise in my head to just go away already so it will stop hurting. Somebody save me?

Boys-The endless cycle

Boys. One complicated situation after another with them. My current situation, I liked a guy, and he didn't like me and I accepted that. We were still close though, and yesterday he put his head in my lap to rest and I started stroking his hair. It evoked a protective, almost motherly feeling. and the feelings I thought I had gotten rid of, returned. And now I have to fight these feelings. Anyway, my luck with men has been terrible. I tend to date people just because they like me. And sometimes I like them back but sometimes I don't and I'm just with them because I want someone to want and love me. I know that's terrible. But I have this terrible need to be loved, and wanted. I want to know that someone wants me. Anyway, several break ups later I am a bit suspicious of guys. But I'm not gonna lie I know that it is my fault. And I know that I have made many mistakes, but now, All I want is an honest relationship. I want to make up for my mistakes. I hate the feeling of rejection and pain. Even when they are justified. I hate hurting, and I hate that guys can hurt me. Maybe one day I can have a good relationship? Sigh...I hope so

Afraid of the Dark

Night is the worst time of day. Especially when you have insomnia, because all you can do, is think. I am a person who tends to OVER think. Every mistake, every flaw, comes creeping into my brain, my dreams. Sometimes I can't remember the littlest things, what was my homework today? when did mom say to meet her? But the mistakes? Even the little pointless embarrassment, they ALL stick. Fester. Until everything inside my head is bad, and it breaks down at my strength. Until all I can do is sit, alone, and cry. its moments like this, or moments of raw anger, when the self harm starts. I don't cut, not usually. But I dig my nails so deep into my skin that it bruises or bleeds a little. And it helps. It calms me, focuses me, lets me relax enough to sleep or stop from screaming. There is this pressure, inside my head, and it builds and builds until the only thing that can release it, is the pain. And I cry. Cry a lot. It just hurts so much, and ALL I want is for it to go away. I have no Good reason for being so sad, and yet, here I am, curled into a ball, crying. I feel so weak, and scared. Scared that maybe it will always be this way, that I will never be strong enough to fight it. I know that I have to make myself happy, I can't keep expecting that some magical person is gonna come around and make it all better. I have to carve the path myself. But I find myself lacking the tools I need to carve said path. I need strength, courage, hope. These tools are lost to me. I feel like my world is crashing down on me sometimes...like nothing I ever do will be good enough to get out of this. It hurts to much to think of all the people I have pushed away because of the walls I've put up, the defense system I've created. I've been hurt to many times, and once someone gets close, I push them away as hard as I can because I'm so afraid they will hate me if I don't, or that they will use what I tell them against me. I have learned to guard my trust as if it was a precious child that needs my protecting. But sometimes I just feel so lost and alone, that I NEED someone to be there. I turn to those who have supported me, but even though they say things of comfort, a small part of me still believes that they secretly loath me, and wish I would stop coming to them. No matter how stupid that may seem, its the way I think. And I hate it, I Hate that about myself. The way I obsess about flaws or mistake in myself and others. I drive myself to the point of insanity by making myself think that nobody cares about me and they are all just pretending. Paranoia. It's a living hell. I WISH I could altar my thoughts, make it so I don't care what others think...But it's almost impossible. Humans have a basic need for approval, for purpose. I am just one of the examples of the truth to that statement. I hope beyond all hope, that one day, I can escape this path and forge a new one. That I can be a better person, and love myself. That I can stop over-thinking everything that happens. That I can be me, and be ok with that.

Introduction-The Basics

It always starts with something random, like maybe I left the light on at my mom's house, or today I had a really embarrassing moment. (I hate those, the one's where you are so embarrassed you want to cry but you know if you do it will only make it worse...sigh.) And then of course, the thought patterns that not even I can track accurately, begin. And the reinforcement of my childhood, seeps back into my head. How could I be so stupid to think, hey you know maybe I'm not a ugly worthless bitch. Because I am right? That's wast everyone tells me anyway...Maybe I should start from the beginning, so you understand me better. Hi, My name is Annabelle. I've moved, 12 times in my 15 years of living. And at EVERY school I have EVER been to, I get bullied. BAD. When I was in elementary school, there was the "popular" crowd. And I, as the dorky poor atheist, was the outsider. I guess poor is the wrong word. More like middle class, but I still wore the target brand jeans and princess tee-shirt because that's what we could afford, and that's what my parents wanted me wearing. And along come these bible thumping girls in designer jeans wanting to make my life miserable. I had what I thought were two friends. A girl named Grace and a girl named Taylor. They were the only people I thought accepted me. So I confided in them, I told them my secrets, my desires, my stupid childhood nonsense. But I was wrong. Taylor was NOT my friend, I was a tool for her, a tool to get into the popular crowd. She sold my secrets for her own status and the bulling got worse, with her at lead. It got so bad that she tried to seriously hurt me and my dad had to call the cops to warn her. This only fueled the fire. I was relieved but also sad when my parents announced our move to California. I didn't want to leave Grace, the one true friend I had, behind. And despite the bullies, Colorado was my home. But I went along, because well I had too. California posed a whole new problem for me. Boys. I had been interested and attracted to guys at my school in Colorado, but I never had a real relationship. Our first home in California lead to Mesa Verde Middle School, where I fell in Love for the first time. Now you are probably thinking "there is no way she actually fell in love that young" Well I did. And I know this because to this day seeing him makes my heart race and my nerves shoot through the roof. Of course, there were a few trial and error relationships before Colin, but Colin was the one the whole time at that school. Unfortunately, my parents decided they wanted to move again, in the middle of sixth grade year i transferred to Rincon Middle School. I was devastated, I was leaving behind a group of friends I had made, plus Colin. It wasn't fair. But I settled into Rincon ok. Until Caitlyn. Caitlyn and I were "best friends" I never left her side, and we all knew she was the queen bee. But in seventh grade she turned on me. Called me to the counselors office to officially end our friendship. And from then on she tortured me. Made me cry publicly. Made me hate myself. At this stage in my life I became defensive. I fought back, got mean. Toughed up. I was still teased, but I started to become a bully. I would tease those unfortunate enough to have a lower social status to mine. I became selfish and cruel. And my friends all started to walk away from me one by one. I also started dating a lot. I wanted people to want me, no matter who it was. But most of the time it was jerks. Which only proved to further lower my already extremely low self esteem. I met Rosie that year too, we became close friends, Rosie was a really sweet girl. And I loved hanging out with her. She defended me, and didn't care what other people thought. But in my eight  grade year she went off to high school, and the gap caused our relationship to grow distant. I still miss her. Freshman year was the best year for me socially. I had friends, real friends, a whole group of them. And I was for the most part, happy. I still dated a lot, but so did a lot of girls. It was at Escondido High school that I met Keey and Savanna. Keey always stood up for me, no matter what people said, no matter how true it was, he was there. He saved my life on several occasions. Savanna and I though didn't really connect until sophomore year. Sophomore year was by far the worst year of my life. I made a mistake on the last couple days of freshman year, a BIG mistake. I tried alcohol, got slightly tipsy and told someone I thought was a friend, who then proceeded to tell my teacher. My parents decided that was the last straw for me and took me out of public school. I was isolated, forced to take classes at home online, I had but one friend in which I kept contact. Savanna. I am not going to lie, if I had not had Savanna there for me, I would NOT be alive right now. She was there for me, comforted me, and at the same time called me on my shit. She isn't perfect, but she is what I needed. She is more than a friend to me, she is a sister. And I hope that I have helped her too, or that I can help her if she wants it. That year, I all but went insane. (and I will give the details of that in a later blog) and I'm still suffering from the affects. But hey, now you know the basics of my life. Doesn't seem that bad? Wait for what I have to say next.