Random Thoughts

What did I expect? For him to be waiting for me? SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH!! All I think of is me....Just goes to show I was right, I WILL NOT wait for the other. He does not deserve me.. Then again do I deserve him? Do I deserve ANYONE? I screw things up, mess with people, use people, throw a fit when I don't get my way. I'm a three year old. I don't deserve anything. I'm just one big mistake. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY :,,,,( All I want to do is sit and cry....tired...so tired of all of this. Of the world, the stress, the pain. Tired of being the person everyone walks on glass around, tired of hiding. Tired of not knowing who I am...Tired of the stress, and the lack of an attention span. Tired of the petty drama I cause. Tired of the rejection. Tired of the depression. Tired. of. all. the. irationalty!!!!!!!! Whats wrong with me....Why do I feel so...broken...Why is it so hard to be even slightly selfless....why is it so hard to be ok with myself when I am alone. Why is it so hard to control the masses of extra powerful emotions that swarm through me constantly....I don't want to fight anymore....it's s hard and to be frank? I don't like hard. I want things to be handed to me, to be easy, but I know i can't have that and it frustrates me....Which of course is so insanely selfish....I'm just...hurt, and confused, and scared, and so freaking lonely. I just want to close my eyes, and dream forever...why can't I dream forever?

Past

Is it really that naive to think that I can move on? That I can forget, or at least accept my past and get on with my life? It's hard to be a better person when everyone that you thought was your friend keeps turning against you and reminding you of the person you used to be. I hated that person. I hated the choices I made. And I'm trying I'm really trying to be better, but people won't let my past go. They won't let me move on, it's like they want me to stay in the depressed hateful bubble. And it hurts...Whats the point of trying if it's never going to work? If I'm always gonna be tortured by my poor decisions. I know I'm not perfect, I'm far from it. But I want so desperately to be better, and I'm trying so hard. But my courage and strength, the things driving me to make these changes, Are weakened when these people bring back what I've done, Or just bully me for no reason. Rumors, always get started about me, and once people believe the rumors, I become this terrible or disgusting person. Whats the point? Nobody believes me when I say they aren't true. Leslie was right, Nobody likes me. Nobody ever will, I'm just a no good freak :,(

Unexpected

Sometimes unplanned things are terrible, they ruin things, break hearts, hurt people. But sometimes, little things that happen? Say, Unexpected re-connections? Are amazing, they fill you with hope, and sometimes love, and it feels amazing. I haven't been so happy in years. I'm so incredibly happy that I reconnected with the guy I'm talking about. I know this a short one but I wanted to share.

Define Good..

I'm not a perfect person. Never have claimed to be. But when you see the effect you can have on a person, the negative effect of course, it really opens your eyes to who you have become. Today I found out that three years ago, I said I hated someone. This same someone approached me and said that she has waited three years to get her revenge on me. And while the fact that she is a plotting revenge means she isn't exactly the best person herself, I still realize that I had a hand, maybe a huge hand, in making her into the person she is now. hateful and self centered. It makes me sick to my stomach that I didn't even REMEMBER telling her I hate her. Hate is a Powerful emotion. As is love. Both words are tossed around like nothing now a days and now I have started doing it. I know I was never the nicest person on the planet. I was selfish, and mean. But I was only that way because it was a defense system. I was bullied so much that I became that way, my defensive nature turned offensive to avoid getting hurt by these people. It's affected me in many ways. Such as my love life. Not only do I smother the people I like, but I contradict myself. I Want to be loved so I flirt a lot, but I also have commitment issues. Major ones. To the point that I find one flaw in a person and fixate on it so that I have an excuse to leave someone. There are only a few people that I have been able to avoid this feeling with. One of them is current....yet again I've never actually been with this person but still, with him it just feels so....real. But with others a part of me knows that I really don't feel the way I claim, and so guilt drives me to those points of fixation. But here I go again, making excuses. It's my fault, I screwed up in my past, I'm still screwing up now. But I hope beyond all hope that there is truth to the statement that recognizing a problem is the first step to solving it. Because I don't want to be that bitchy slutty person anymore. Some people say that it's easy to change, just don't flirt, don't be mean. But it's an instinct now...and its terrible. A terrible habit that I NEED to get rid of. If I ever want a chance to be somewhat normal, or to have a healthy and loving relationship. I Have to change. To finally say, that I AM a good person.

Noise

To much. It's all to much. To many things going through my head, and most of them time, none of them are good.  And no matter how hard I try to fight it, I just can't. It comes back, like instinct. And I'm terrified that I'm never going to be able to let go of things. That I'm going to continue to smother people until I die....Death. That's an interesting topic for me. I wouldn't feel regret, or shame, or anything. Because I would be dead. I don't believe in life after death. for me death is an end to everything. And yet I'm still scared to end it. Because I still want to be loved again, still want a life. But it hurts, everything hurts all the time and I don't know how to stop it. Make it go away. Sometimes I break down so much that I feel like I can never put myself back together again. But I somehow manage to, or at least I convince myself that I have until I break down again. I wear a "mask" I pretend that everything is OK and mentally convince myself that it is when it's really not. So I go around smiling and laughing while on the inside? my brain is assaulting me with failures and paranoia. I was told yesterday, that I am a feeler. And he was right I am. I tap into the emotions of people around me, and begin to feel what they feel. It's a "blessing" and a curse. (I put blessing in " " because I'm not a religious person) It frustrates me when I don't know how someone feels, which brings on the paranoia, but it's also terrible knowing. Because you become overloaded with this onslaught of feelings. And there is no on or off switch. It's always there. And it's hard to filter or ignore. I wish I wasn't so ruled by my emotions. If I could learn to control them, and their abnormal power. Then maybe I could use them for good, but I can't yet. And right now its just to much. to much noise. To much feeling.

Broken Home

Divorce. A big scary word. Something so common that you know the term and its definition, but something you believe could never happen to your family. "They are happy" you say to yourself "They only fight every once and a while" But so much goes on behind the surface of what you see. So many bad things happening behind the scenes. And you don't see it because the go on, day after day, plastering fake smiles on their faces and pretending everything is OK, just so you won't see. So you won't figure it out. But then the bad slips through the cracks, and they say "everything will be OK" and "we will work it out" But now you are terrified. The one thing that you thought could NEVER happen is now very much happening. And they believe they can work things out, or at least they pretend to. Because they want you to be happy, they don;t want you to grow up in a broken home. But their resolve cracks, and shatters. Falling at your feet, and finally you see the truth. As the bad leaks from every corner, pressing down on you, hurting you. And you try and fight it, try to smile so they don't see how hard this is for you, how badly they hurt you. But it's still there. And finally your own resolve breaks and you sob alone in your room. 'How could it possibly get worse than this?' You think. And that's when the dating starts. And that throws a whole new wrench in my world. watching my mother flir, saying she loves another man. And all I can think is "No! No! No! You are supposed to love Daddy!!" And I break slowly. reverting to a childlike mindset as I tremble and sob into my mothers lap. And she says the same things "It will be alright" But will it? The one stable thing I had in my life is now gone. I have no solid support to lean on. Nothing is the same. Even eating dinner is hard because my mom's spot is empty. Through all this pain and confusion, there is one single though running through my head the most. I WANT MY FAMILY BACK!!! Can you relate?

Paranoia

Paranoia, my biggest problem. I always, and I mean ALWAYS have this fear that everyone I know only pretends to like me, that in reality everyone only tolerates me or really don't like me at all and just pretend to so they don't hurt my fragile feelings. I hate this feeling like I'm totally worthless and that everyone walks on glass around me. My Dad says that... that everyone walks on glass around me...Do they really? Am I really nothing to anyone? It  hurts...even if it's not true the IDEA hurts. And for some reason I can't stop thinking this. I lay there and reconsider every decision I made that day. "Did I make them uncomfortable?" "Did I over step my boundaries?" "Maybe they didn't even want to hang out with me today" "Maybe I'm a burden on them". I've told a few people of these fears. They go on to tell me it's not true, that I'm fine that I'm not the selfish annoying bitch I perceive myself as, but I pick up on things. Reluctance, annoyance. Maybe I am just imagining it, maybe it's not really there. But I perceive it as real. I always think things that may not actually be true. It's like my mind is torturing me. Trying to convince me that I don't deserve love, or friends, or anything. Ug...I want it to all go away. I want the noise in my head to just go away already so it will stop hurting. Somebody save me?